lyric therapy

I was searching in public information to see what kind of information was out there about me. I guess I got on a roll and decided to look up my ex-boyfriend. Last I knew he was in the Marines and I worry about him because of the war in Iraq and servicemen being sent other places where risk is increased by indefinite time frames of active duty. Well I found out he's married now, so contacting him would be a bad idea. I am also married, and I don't think my husband would have a problem with it. My motive would not be to try and rekindle a romance. I don't cheat. If I ever need affection that bad, I would hope someone would put me out of my misery... Anyhow... after 2 weeks of thinking about him everyday for 2 weeks, I was wondering why I was thinking about him so much. I'm happily married and have a great family life... what is going on...

I never had closure. I never knew that I didn't have closure. I spent years distracting myself from the pain of confusion. I couldn't understand how I lost someone that I loved so much. There is a great song by Jeff Buckley that has given me clarity, well enough to help me...

" This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die.
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go:
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.

Well, this is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Baby, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.

Kiss me, please kiss me,
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation.
Oh, you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.

Did you say, "No, this can't happen to me"?
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
"Maybe, you didn't know him at all,
you didn't know him at all,
oh, you didn't know"?

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime,
Burning clues into this heart of mine.
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes, and the memories
Offer signs that it's over, it's over."

Solace being, I don't think I knew him. He let me get closer than most, but not close enough. My perception of him at the time was that he was very confused at the time. That's why I was kept in the dark about things that even to this day, I don't know. I will never know. We had a mutual friend who almost gloated about having more information about our break-up but couldn't tell me because he asked her not to tell me. Life isn't fair. It seems I would not be helped by him, her or anyone else. So here I am, 4+ years later, dwelling on something I was sure was behind me...

" Oh, you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye." ... Is that why he ended it?

I suppose I'll never know the whole truth, so this song is the next best thing. This song may not even be the real truth, but I can adopt it in place of the truth since I have nothing else to hold onto to help me understand what happened.

I must confess, there is some nostalgia there too. He was my first love. I fell blindly, madly and passionately in love with him. That's probably something that will stick in my memory for the rest of my life. It's an intoxicating feeling that I haven't felt again since. I think as I got older, something happened that didn't allow me to feel that way anymore. Maybe it was for my own protection since I had been so devastated? Maybe I deemed it foolish and my own personal wisdom was to refrain? Could it be true that we can see someone else's baggage more easily than our own. I didn't know I had this baggage until now.

I guess I feel bad because I don't love my husband the same way. It's a comforting thought that I am just more mature now and that I don't love my husband less, just in the way the Rebekah of now is capable of loving someone. Youth is a once in a lifetime opportunity and is fleeting... just because you are in love, doesn't mean it will last. It makes you feel like you can conquer the world, but it is merely a feeling. And thank God that those feelings of youth aren't the final word on mating. Through trial and error, I found the right guy for me.