life management

The last two years, it's been an ongoing goal to simplify my life.

About a month ago, Bryan and I had some pretty severe tension in our relationship and seemed to be fighting a lot. My knee jerk was to go get counseling. When I realized counseling was going to be a major inconvenience, I opted for self-help books (which pointed out my relationship problems with myself as being unresolved, that's a whole other ball game) and something changed. I just decided to treat him better, to choose my battles better, and if it's not important... let it go.

I am cautious not to believe that this has solved all my marital problems or has "fixed" things permanently (nor am I saying that my husband is a perfect angel). I have learned a lesson about drama. It's easy to perpetuate and to justify the drama we create. It's not until I took a step back and really looked at what our fights were about and saw that most of it could have been avoided that I realized how things get dramatized and spin off course. I think I already knew this to a certain extent but my pride kept me from making this change in my life. I thought that if I didn't express my disappointments and perceived wrongs against me, I was not standing up for myself. I just decided it's just not worth it. I'm not getting any pay off for letting my anger escalate and not backing down until someone appeases me. I had a lot more choice in the matter than I would let myself have. This is so empowering to me.

I know that in a previous post, I yammer on-and-on about my sister. I admit that one of my faults is allowing myself to chew at issues that bother me because I obsess over trying to make sense of things. In the meantime, I was getting pulled into someone else's drama, someone whose lifestyle consists of a drama-rich environment. Lesson learned. I won't let that happen again. Safe bet that my involvement had little benefit for either of us.

I have DVR service with my satellite dish service and I finally got to watch the 2 part season finale of House, one of the best shows on TV as far as I am concerned.

There was a very poignant scene toward the end of the final part. Dr. Wilsons girlfriend Amber (who was also a doctor, who was fired by Dr. House, long story) where Amber is about to die. The couple shares their final words with one another which includes this dialog

Amber "It's Ok."

Wilson: "It's not ok. Why is it ok with you? Why aren't you angry?"

Amber "Thats not the last feeling I want to experience. "

I was on the verge of tears when she said that. Think about all the anger in the world. Think about anger. How much of our anger is really all that relevant, reasonable, rational, resourceful? How much of our anger is worth holding on to, what is the benefit and where does it fit in the grand scheme of things?

I'm not on any moral high-horse. I know that I let my anger expend too much of my energy at times. I am just glad to be a little more wise about it.