Memorial Day.... great day to go to a movie. Sit in the AC, do something for entertainment before you have to go to work the next day. I worked this morning but my husband did not. He wanted to go see the new Indiana Jones movie. We were told that it was first row seating only. Oh boy... My personal opinion, especially for the oversized screen theaters, is that it's not even worth it if you have to sit that close. We decided to at least look for better seating. There were two seats available... the LAST two seats together in the entire theater in a good location of the theater. Downside, we'd have to sit next to strangers. No buffer seat. Not too bad, wouldn't be the first time.
So during the previews this group next to me would not stop yapping. I thought "Hey, they are probably just talking through the trailers. They'll stop when the movie starts." Uh, no. Not only were they the talk-loud-enough-so-everyone-can-hear-you talkers, they were also the state-the-freakin-obvious talkers. Ridiculous.
Yes, thank you for your running commentary. I had my eyes closed for the last 20 seconds. If I didn't have your narration, I would have certainly been lost.
I try to only go to movies when I know that the cinematography/effects are going to be enhanced beyond anything comparable to home viewing. In this case that was the case. The cinematography was remarkable. The lighting was beautiful. I don't think you would get the same experience at home if you were to wait for a DVD release. So, I don't think I like going to the movies anymore, especially not on a holiday.
Monday, May 26, 2008
fathers day
So I was out at the grocery store and walked by the greeting card section and decided that now was as good of a time as any to get cards for my husband.
I was disappointed in the selection for the "to husband" sub-category. If it weren't late May I would swear I was reading Valentines Day cards because of how sappy they were. I didn't want to get a card for Bryan that focuses on what a great husband he is, I wanted a card to show my appreciation for what a great dad he is. His father was a poor example of what a dad should be so I want to find a card that says he's special because of how much he loves and how well he provides for his children.
I just don't think Fathers Day is a day for romance. Save that for Valentines Day/Anniversary. So I found a card that was probably meant to be from adult child to father but was somewhat neutral, but the words will aid me in expressing that I think he's a great dad.
Alrighty... gotta go feed my tot.
I was disappointed in the selection for the "to husband" sub-category. If it weren't late May I would swear I was reading Valentines Day cards because of how sappy they were. I didn't want to get a card for Bryan that focuses on what a great husband he is, I wanted a card to show my appreciation for what a great dad he is. His father was a poor example of what a dad should be so I want to find a card that says he's special because of how much he loves and how well he provides for his children.
I just don't think Fathers Day is a day for romance. Save that for Valentines Day/Anniversary. So I found a card that was probably meant to be from adult child to father but was somewhat neutral, but the words will aid me in expressing that I think he's a great dad.
Alrighty... gotta go feed my tot.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
life management
The last two years, it's been an ongoing goal to simplify my life.
About a month ago, Bryan and I had some pretty severe tension in our relationship and seemed to be fighting a lot. My knee jerk was to go get counseling. When I realized counseling was going to be a major inconvenience, I opted for self-help books (which pointed out my relationship problems with myself as being unresolved, that's a whole other ball game) and something changed. I just decided to treat him better, to choose my battles better, and if it's not important... let it go.
I am cautious not to believe that this has solved all my marital problems or has "fixed" things permanently (nor am I saying that my husband is a perfect angel). I have learned a lesson about drama. It's easy to perpetuate and to justify the drama we create. It's not until I took a step back and really looked at what our fights were about and saw that most of it could have been avoided that I realized how things get dramatized and spin off course. I think I already knew this to a certain extent but my pride kept me from making this change in my life. I thought that if I didn't express my disappointments and perceived wrongs against me, I was not standing up for myself. I just decided it's just not worth it. I'm not getting any pay off for letting my anger escalate and not backing down until someone appeases me. I had a lot more choice in the matter than I would let myself have. This is so empowering to me.
I know that in a previous post, I yammer on-and-on about my sister. I admit that one of my faults is allowing myself to chew at issues that bother me because I obsess over trying to make sense of things. In the meantime, I was getting pulled into someone else's drama, someone whose lifestyle consists of a drama-rich environment. Lesson learned. I won't let that happen again. Safe bet that my involvement had little benefit for either of us.
I have DVR service with my satellite dish service and I finally got to watch the 2 part season finale of House, one of the best shows on TV as far as I am concerned.
There was a very poignant scene toward the end of the final part. Dr. Wilsons girlfriend Amber (who was also a doctor, who was fired by Dr. House, long story) where Amber is about to die. The couple shares their final words with one another which includes this dialog
Amber "It's Ok."
Wilson: "It's not ok. Why is it ok with you? Why aren't you angry?"
Amber "Thats not the last feeling I want to experience. "
I was on the verge of tears when she said that. Think about all the anger in the world. Think about anger. How much of our anger is really all that relevant, reasonable, rational, resourceful? How much of our anger is worth holding on to, what is the benefit and where does it fit in the grand scheme of things?
I'm not on any moral high-horse. I know that I let my anger expend too much of my energy at times. I am just glad to be a little more wise about it.
About a month ago, Bryan and I had some pretty severe tension in our relationship and seemed to be fighting a lot. My knee jerk was to go get counseling. When I realized counseling was going to be a major inconvenience, I opted for self-help books (which pointed out my relationship problems with myself as being unresolved, that's a whole other ball game) and something changed. I just decided to treat him better, to choose my battles better, and if it's not important... let it go.
I am cautious not to believe that this has solved all my marital problems or has "fixed" things permanently (nor am I saying that my husband is a perfect angel). I have learned a lesson about drama. It's easy to perpetuate and to justify the drama we create. It's not until I took a step back and really looked at what our fights were about and saw that most of it could have been avoided that I realized how things get dramatized and spin off course. I think I already knew this to a certain extent but my pride kept me from making this change in my life. I thought that if I didn't express my disappointments and perceived wrongs against me, I was not standing up for myself. I just decided it's just not worth it. I'm not getting any pay off for letting my anger escalate and not backing down until someone appeases me. I had a lot more choice in the matter than I would let myself have. This is so empowering to me.
I know that in a previous post, I yammer on-and-on about my sister. I admit that one of my faults is allowing myself to chew at issues that bother me because I obsess over trying to make sense of things. In the meantime, I was getting pulled into someone else's drama, someone whose lifestyle consists of a drama-rich environment. Lesson learned. I won't let that happen again. Safe bet that my involvement had little benefit for either of us.
I have DVR service with my satellite dish service and I finally got to watch the 2 part season finale of House, one of the best shows on TV as far as I am concerned.
There was a very poignant scene toward the end of the final part. Dr. Wilsons girlfriend Amber (who was also a doctor, who was fired by Dr. House, long story) where Amber is about to die. The couple shares their final words with one another which includes this dialog
Amber "It's Ok."
Wilson: "It's not ok. Why is it ok with you? Why aren't you angry?"
Amber "Thats not the last feeling I want to experience. "
I was on the verge of tears when she said that. Think about all the anger in the world. Think about anger. How much of our anger is really all that relevant, reasonable, rational, resourceful? How much of our anger is worth holding on to, what is the benefit and where does it fit in the grand scheme of things?
I'm not on any moral high-horse. I know that I let my anger expend too much of my energy at times. I am just glad to be a little more wise about it.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Today is a special day...
Today my little girl is TWO! And I have been a mommy for TWO years... Yay!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
the nicest piece of furniture in the house.. IMO
I bought myself a Mothers Day gift, funded by part of my IRS refund...
The WHOLE set I do not have. That retails for $600+. In Central Texas the major grocery retailer is called H.E.B. and is based in Texas and manges to beat nationally franchised chains like Albertsons and Randalls (names vary by state). Digressing. HEB has opened stores that are super-store-esque like Super Target and WalMart but with a drastically less comprehensive inventory than the other super-centers. One of the departments that was added was a furniture department. I saw this table for 140 bucks. That's a great deal. The main piece, of course, is the table. It comes out to 100 bucks a piece... anyhoo... I would expect the main, largest part to cost more. When I shopped around online, I found tables that would work ranging from 99-160 and they were not nearly as nice AND I would have had to pay shipping. So, I think I got a great deal. It's a smallish but beautiful table.
Not the most interesting blog ever... but it's my daily...
The WHOLE set I do not have. That retails for $600+. In Central Texas the major grocery retailer is called H.E.B. and is based in Texas and manges to beat nationally franchised chains like Albertsons and Randalls (names vary by state). Digressing. HEB has opened stores that are super-store-esque like Super Target and WalMart but with a drastically less comprehensive inventory than the other super-centers. One of the departments that was added was a furniture department. I saw this table for 140 bucks. That's a great deal. The main piece, of course, is the table. It comes out to 100 bucks a piece... anyhoo... I would expect the main, largest part to cost more. When I shopped around online, I found tables that would work ranging from 99-160 and they were not nearly as nice AND I would have had to pay shipping. So, I think I got a great deal. It's a smallish but beautiful table.
Not the most interesting blog ever... but it's my daily...
Friday, May 9, 2008
Coffee, oh coffee, why hast thou forsaken me...
I had to race through my work today to meet my deadline for work... Holy cow... I hate that.
I am not one of those folks who likes the rush. Maybe it's because I already have anxiety issues to begin with.
I tried this product that has been pretty heavily advertised on TV 5 hour energy to try and get used to beginning my work at 4 am on some days... drank a whole bottle (you have the option of taking a half or full shot) didn't work. I ended up brewing coffee to compensate.
It seems to me that coffee is the drug of choice for many Americans to get going and make it through a workday. On most days it helps clear the fog for me. Not today however. My brain resembled San Francisco for the duration of my workday. I think it may be time to take the homeopathic/herbal remedy route. Caffeine is so cheap and readily accessible, but I know it's bad for me. It can't be healthy to be high and then low like that, everyday. I realize that it wakes me up but that the effect of nervousness makes it hard for me to focus.
The other day I drank a few cocktails before I did my work (ok, I work from home, so I am not violating any workplace policy) and I noticed that I was thinking a little more clearly and was able to focus better. I do not think it's a great idea to drink and work so I will not make that a regular thing, I just pointed that as a comparison to the effects of caffeine (i.e. how the stimulating effects of caffeine makes it hard to concentrate and alcohol is the opposite of a stimulant)
Anyhoo, caffeine has failed to meet my expectations today. I got my work done... barely... no thanks to my daily coffee ritual.
I am not one of those folks who likes the rush. Maybe it's because I already have anxiety issues to begin with.
I tried this product that has been pretty heavily advertised on TV 5 hour energy to try and get used to beginning my work at 4 am on some days... drank a whole bottle (you have the option of taking a half or full shot) didn't work. I ended up brewing coffee to compensate.
It seems to me that coffee is the drug of choice for many Americans to get going and make it through a workday. On most days it helps clear the fog for me. Not today however. My brain resembled San Francisco for the duration of my workday. I think it may be time to take the homeopathic/herbal remedy route. Caffeine is so cheap and readily accessible, but I know it's bad for me. It can't be healthy to be high and then low like that, everyday. I realize that it wakes me up but that the effect of nervousness makes it hard for me to focus.
The other day I drank a few cocktails before I did my work (ok, I work from home, so I am not violating any workplace policy) and I noticed that I was thinking a little more clearly and was able to focus better. I do not think it's a great idea to drink and work so I will not make that a regular thing, I just pointed that as a comparison to the effects of caffeine (i.e. how the stimulating effects of caffeine makes it hard to concentrate and alcohol is the opposite of a stimulant)
Anyhoo, caffeine has failed to meet my expectations today. I got my work done... barely... no thanks to my daily coffee ritual.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
lyric therapy
I was searching in public information to see what kind of information was out there about me. I guess I got on a roll and decided to look up my ex-boyfriend. Last I knew he was in the Marines and I worry about him because of the war in Iraq and servicemen being sent other places where risk is increased by indefinite time frames of active duty. Well I found out he's married now, so contacting him would be a bad idea. I am also married, and I don't think my husband would have a problem with it. My motive would not be to try and rekindle a romance. I don't cheat. If I ever need affection that bad, I would hope someone would put me out of my misery... Anyhow... after 2 weeks of thinking about him everyday for 2 weeks, I was wondering why I was thinking about him so much. I'm happily married and have a great family life... what is going on...
I never had closure. I never knew that I didn't have closure. I spent years distracting myself from the pain of confusion. I couldn't understand how I lost someone that I loved so much. There is a great song by Jeff Buckley that has given me clarity, well enough to help me...
" This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die.
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go:
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.
Well, this is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Baby, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.
Kiss me, please kiss me,
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation.
Oh, you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.
Did you say, "No, this can't happen to me"?
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
"Maybe, you didn't know him at all,
you didn't know him at all,
oh, you didn't know"?
Well, the bells out in the church tower chime,
Burning clues into this heart of mine.
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes, and the memories
Offer signs that it's over, it's over."
Solace being, I don't think I knew him. He let me get closer than most, but not close enough. My perception of him at the time was that he was very confused at the time. That's why I was kept in the dark about things that even to this day, I don't know. I will never know. We had a mutual friend who almost gloated about having more information about our break-up but couldn't tell me because he asked her not to tell me. Life isn't fair. It seems I would not be helped by him, her or anyone else. So here I am, 4+ years later, dwelling on something I was sure was behind me...
" Oh, you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye." ... Is that why he ended it?
I suppose I'll never know the whole truth, so this song is the next best thing. This song may not even be the real truth, but I can adopt it in place of the truth since I have nothing else to hold onto to help me understand what happened.
I must confess, there is some nostalgia there too. He was my first love. I fell blindly, madly and passionately in love with him. That's probably something that will stick in my memory for the rest of my life. It's an intoxicating feeling that I haven't felt again since. I think as I got older, something happened that didn't allow me to feel that way anymore. Maybe it was for my own protection since I had been so devastated? Maybe I deemed it foolish and my own personal wisdom was to refrain? Could it be true that we can see someone else's baggage more easily than our own. I didn't know I had this baggage until now.
I guess I feel bad because I don't love my husband the same way. It's a comforting thought that I am just more mature now and that I don't love my husband less, just in the way the Rebekah of now is capable of loving someone. Youth is a once in a lifetime opportunity and is fleeting... just because you are in love, doesn't mean it will last. It makes you feel like you can conquer the world, but it is merely a feeling. And thank God that those feelings of youth aren't the final word on mating. Through trial and error, I found the right guy for me.
I never had closure. I never knew that I didn't have closure. I spent years distracting myself from the pain of confusion. I couldn't understand how I lost someone that I loved so much. There is a great song by Jeff Buckley that has given me clarity, well enough to help me...
" This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die.
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go:
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.
Well, this is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Baby, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.
Kiss me, please kiss me,
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation.
Oh, you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.
Did you say, "No, this can't happen to me"?
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
"Maybe, you didn't know him at all,
you didn't know him at all,
oh, you didn't know"?
Well, the bells out in the church tower chime,
Burning clues into this heart of mine.
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes, and the memories
Offer signs that it's over, it's over."
Solace being, I don't think I knew him. He let me get closer than most, but not close enough. My perception of him at the time was that he was very confused at the time. That's why I was kept in the dark about things that even to this day, I don't know. I will never know. We had a mutual friend who almost gloated about having more information about our break-up but couldn't tell me because he asked her not to tell me. Life isn't fair. It seems I would not be helped by him, her or anyone else. So here I am, 4+ years later, dwelling on something I was sure was behind me...
" Oh, you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye." ... Is that why he ended it?
I suppose I'll never know the whole truth, so this song is the next best thing. This song may not even be the real truth, but I can adopt it in place of the truth since I have nothing else to hold onto to help me understand what happened.
I must confess, there is some nostalgia there too. He was my first love. I fell blindly, madly and passionately in love with him. That's probably something that will stick in my memory for the rest of my life. It's an intoxicating feeling that I haven't felt again since. I think as I got older, something happened that didn't allow me to feel that way anymore. Maybe it was for my own protection since I had been so devastated? Maybe I deemed it foolish and my own personal wisdom was to refrain? Could it be true that we can see someone else's baggage more easily than our own. I didn't know I had this baggage until now.
I guess I feel bad because I don't love my husband the same way. It's a comforting thought that I am just more mature now and that I don't love my husband less, just in the way the Rebekah of now is capable of loving someone. Youth is a once in a lifetime opportunity and is fleeting... just because you are in love, doesn't mean it will last. It makes you feel like you can conquer the world, but it is merely a feeling. And thank God that those feelings of youth aren't the final word on mating. Through trial and error, I found the right guy for me.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Welcome
This is yet another blog... this is more of a personal blog than a thematic blog as I will discuss things that are of importance to me rather that focus on a subject. Thanks for visiting.
Below is my play list. I love it. You can go to playlist.com. pick out all of your favorite songs of all time and have them all cued to play in their entirety whenever you are fiddling around on your computer.
Below is my play list. I love it. You can go to playlist.com. pick out all of your favorite songs of all time and have them all cued to play in their entirety whenever you are fiddling around on your computer.
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